The scene is a Christian book-shop, where Dierdre, always happy to help, is in reception. The telephone rings, she answers it:-
Dierdre:- Hello, (local town) Christian book-shop, Dierdre speaking, how may I help you?
Yes……... yes………..pardon?.............Oh yes……...So. Your name is Amelia. You’ve just moved into the area, and you’re looking for Christian friendship with ladies of your own age?.........
Well, this is a bookshop, I’m sure if you were to come into the shop, you’d find lots of books about friendship. You know - how to make friends, how to keep friends…..
Not what you meant………..DVDs?
Not what you’re looking for...Well I’m not sure how I can help you. Oh, just a minute, I have a list of all the local churches, maybe there’s some women’s meetings you could go to. (taps vigorously on the computer). Oh, here we are - there’s St Botolph’s in the High Street, Ebenezer Baptist…..and Long Street Methodist behind the cinema……..No? Well I thought if you were to go online, you could find out what was available.
You haven’t got a computer? Oh, dear me. The next thing I was going to suggest was to go on Facebook.I have 248 friends and my friend has 356!.......
Oh, we don’t see them! We just send them stuff, like what we’re eating, where we’re off to, and sometimes we send them photographs of what we’re doing and what we’re eating! ….Anyway, that doesn’t help you, does it?
So, what exactly are you looking for, Amelia?
Friendship groups! Well, I’ve never heard of anything like that!.....I tell you what, if I hear of anything, I’ll let you know, so if you could let me have your details………(reaches for a pen and paper)
Miss Amelia Hart. Telephone number? Local code 28916.Your address?
42, Lilac Avenue. Oh what a coincidence, that’s just around the corner from me!
Yes, it is a nice area. And you say you want friendship with ladies of your own age, so what is your age, if you don’t mind me asking?
Really! Same as me! Wait a minute, maybe I’d be able to help you, on a personal level, seeing as you’re just around the corner. Perhaps you could come around for a cup of tea sometime?
Oh good, but first let me get a few more details…...Firstly, Miss Hart, are you a Christian?
Oh, good, and what kind of a Christian are you?
Well I mean are you Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox?
Oh, good, and when you say Protestant, do you mean Evangelical, that’s Bible-believing, or Liberal, that’s NON-Bible-believing!
And when you say Bible-believing, do you really believe all the Bible. That the gifts of the Holy Spirit are for today?
Well I mean are you Charismatic, Pentecostal, Spirit- filled?
Oh, great, and when you say Charismatic, which branch of the Charismatics do you belong to? Renewal, Restoration, House-church, Free-church, Independant?
Oh, you do! So you’re a Renewed, Charismatic, Evangelical, Protestant Christian! That’s marvellous, so am I! Oh, I’m sure we’re going to get on really well, Amelia, I can call you Amelia, can’t I? Which Bible do you use?
The Holy one? Oh I see, what I meant was which version of the Bible do you use? The King James version, the Revised Standard version, the American Revised Standard version, the New American Revised Standard version, the New English Bible, the Good News Bible, the Living Bible, the New International Version, the ESV, the Message?
Oh, you do! I agree. The absolutely only accurate and inspired version!
Juat tell me, which Bible week do you go to? King’s week, Royal week, Soul Survivor, Back to the Bible week, Stoneleigh, Greenbelt, Keswick, Spring Harvest, Autumn Leaves, Catch the fire week, followed by Get Drenched With Holy Rain week, and Bless Your Socks Off week……..?
You don’t go to any of them? Well you must go to a Bible week, surely?
Pardon? You go to that one, do you? Oh well, I’m sorry Miss Hart, just when I thought we were like-minded.. Look, I really must go now, there’s somebody just come in the shop. Goodbye!
(tears up the piece of paper and throws the pieces over her shoulder)
HERETIC!!!!!.......Hello, can I help you?
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